


Versus Everything

by somanyfeels



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Drug Use, First Meetings, Hurt Tony, M/M, Maria Stark's Good Parenting, Mental Health Issues, Mother-Son Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Steve Rogers, Slow Build, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-05-21 12:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: Tony was trying to be a good son.  He really was trying.  But he couldn't get a scholarship despite his test scores, he couldn't focus enough to hold down an actual job, and he had secrets that weighed too heavy on him. He just wanted to take care of his mama enough that she didn't have to keep worrying.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I got a new tablet because my computer finally quit, but I'm in a writing mood again and wanted to start something new.

Maria honestly wasn’t afraid of being pregnant. It excited her. She placed her hand on her flat stomach and smiled at how warm she felt inside. She was twenty four after all, a perfectly reasonable time to get married and settle down with a child. The little thing was the size of a grain of rice but it was there and it was hers. She wasn’t afraid of her baby. She was afraid everyone else would hate it.

  
Howard was the perfect age to settle down as well. He was thirty and successful and every successful man needed a wife and a child. Maria knew that it would be perfect if he was as happy as she was. Howard wouldn’t be happy. He hated children and he hated distractions from his work. Expect for her, of course. Howard was always happy to see her even if he was at work. Certainly he wouldn’t mind their child as a distraction. Certainly he wouldn’t.

  
She kept telling herself she wasn’t afraid of telling Howard, that he would share in her excitement about being a parent. He wouldn’t see it as a mistake. She stared down at her hands over her stomach and felt the dim roar of the crowded lobby suffocating her. Howards office was on the thirty second floor, she just had to get on the elevator and go up.

  
Her seat was just too comfortable. She sank into the cushions and stared down at herself. This would be fine. Everything would work out. She was going to be a mother and everything would be perfect. She was going to have a baby. The elevator dinged and opened and fancy dress shoes clicked against the tiled floors. She stood up. Floor thirty two, she tried to move closer to the elevator but her feet didn’t move a step.

  
“Maria!” A voice called out to her and it almost seemed to echo in the room.

  
“Oh, hi Obie. I was just here to see Howard.” She said, looking past Obadiah’s shoulder. Howard wasn’t there.

  
“He’s in a lunch meeting right now, it’ll be a bit of a wait.” He said.

  
Obadiah took her arm, holding it delicately as he moved to sit down. Once they were seated across from on another he took his hand from her arm, patting her leg as he pulled back. Maria was almost relieved to see him. He was a trusted friend, it had been him to introduce her to Howard, an up and coming young engineer, in an attempt to get her father on as an investor. It had worked. Both the matchmaking and the business strategy. She had been seeing Howard for five month and Stark Industries was thriving. She trusted him, he would help her with this.

  
“Obadiah, can I ask you for a favor. It’s important. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t.” She said, reaching out and taking his hand. The background noise of the lobby was defining, she felt that there were far too many people here today.

  
“About Howard?” Obadiah asked.

  
Maria gripped it tight and took a deep breath. She was trembling. She wasn’t afraid of her baby, she reminded herself. She was excited to be a mother. Howard’s reaction didn’t change any of this. She nodded slowly.

  
“I’m pregnant. I know, I know we haven’t been together for very long, but we’re both in good positions, business is going so well for you two. I figured it would be a good time for us.” She said quickly.

  
Obadiah stared. His expression was flat and unchanged. He was focused, intent. She waited for his response, but every second that passed without his reaction to the news the pit in her stomach got deeper and deeper

.  
“Have you considered… your options? What this would mean to you? To him?” Obadiah asked quickly, voice dropping to a whisper.

  
“I know, this is a big change. We haven’t known each other for long enough, we haven’t talked about it, but the company is doing well. This will be good publicity. And yes, it would be a distraction, but I was hoping it would be a good distraction.” She said, speaking slow as she tested her argument and waited for Obadiah to either agree with her or shoot down her hope.

  
“You’re right, it would be a distraction.” He said, squeezing her hands. Maria’s heart sank. “Have you considered an alternative?”

  
Maria shook her head. She had considered it. She had thought about it for days, weeks after she found out. There was always the constant idea of it in her head, that she could get rid of the problem instead of dealing with it. But the desire to go through with it was never stronger than the warmth she felt when she put her hand to her stomach.

  
“I’m going to keep my baby, Obie.” She said. “Will you help me talk to Howard?”

  
He hesitated, considering it. He was probably unhappy with it. This would change everything for them, which was always a risk with the company so new and just starting to get big contracts. It was a risk, but a natural part of lift. They had been careful, she was on birth control at Howard’s insistence. It was an accident. Yet, it was still a possibility and it had happened.

  
“I’ll talk to Howard for you.” Obadiah said, leaning back in his seat and far away from her.

  
“I can be there. I can do it. I would just like some support.” Maria said.

  
Obadiah shook his head. “No, I can do it. I’ll ease him into the idea, try to spin it as a good PR move.” He said. Maria frowned, but he continued. “I’m guessing you haven’t told your family yet. You go do that, insist you will handle it. Then we can discuss this tonight at dinner. My place, we will work through a plan on what you’ll do and I promise you that this will all be just fine. You go tell your parents. I will handle Howard.”

  
He stood up, tapped her cheek, and marched away. Maria’s heart was pounding. She wasn’t quite sure if telling Obadiah was a success or not. She felt like he had supported her, had come to her understanding and was also objective enough to think rationally about the situation in front of them.

  
She took his advice. She called her driver and asked to be taken home. She would tell her parents and Obie would talk to Howard and then they would know where to go from there.

  
~~~

  
They thought it was a disaster. She was a graduate student, unmarried, and their only daughter. She was pregnant and unmarried. She was embarrassing them. They were ashamed. Maria sat in stunned silence, her hand over her stomach defensively, as if to keep their poison words from getting to it inside.

  
“I hope you intend to marry the fool.” Her mother said, wrinkling her nose at the thought.

  
“Most likely. We haven’t discussed it yet.” Maria said. She kept her words steady, her eyes never looking above her parent’s chins. “Howard’s company is doing well. He has a new government contract. It would be a good match for me, get the connections into a new branch of industry” Her family was old money, Howard was the brilliant son of fruit sellers who worked out of a cart. It wasn’t a good match no matter what she said.

  
“We can send you home for a while, with your grandmother back overseas. Just until this runs its course. We’ll organize everything. The baby will be put somewhere nice and we can put this past us.” Her mother said.

  
Maria’s father hadn’t said a word. He hardly even glanced up at her, his eyes not leaving the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. His pen hadn’t moved to write a word since she started speaking.

  
“I want to keep my baby.” Maria said. “I can handle it. I can handle all of it.”

  
“Does he know yet?” Her papa asked.

  
Maria took a slow, deep breath, and looked up to his eyes. “Not yet, but I’m working on it now. He’s finding out today.”

  
“Then get that done with.” He said.

  
Maria slumped in defeat, her hands still hovering over her stomach like a shield as she stood up to leave. This was a mistake. She should have known better. They wanted her to marry some legacy boy who would inherit everything from his father. Someone of status. She was settling for less than what they expected of her.

  
“Maria.” Her mother said as they got to the door. She reached out, taking her daughters hands and running her thumbs over her knuckles. Maria settled down for a moment, leaning a bit closer to her mama. “Don’t let this embarrass us.” She said before ushering her to the door.

  
Maria flinched as her driver was called around and the door closed with her still on the stoop. She felt like that was the end of it. She had lost that one and now she had only Howard to hope for.

  
~~~

  
She was starting to feel very lonely. This was what she had been afraid of. Not of motherhood and definitely not of her baby, but afraid the world would abandon the two of them. Maria held her hand to her stomach and felt the warm glow of joy when she thought of her baby growing warm and safe in there. She wasn’t going to give it away.

  
She went to Obie’s like he told her to do. He had ordered food and gave her a glass of water. Maria felt so much tension in the air, she didn’t know if it was because of her parents reaction or if Obadiah was putting it off. She decided to break the silence in hopes that it would break the tension as well.

  
“My parents are unhappy with it. They said I’ve embarrassed them.” She said, staring down at her carton of noodles, poking at them with her chop sticks. “I certainly hope things went better on your end, they may never forgive me if I have this baby without a husband.”

  
“Howard doesn’t want it. He said that either it’s gotten rid of or you can leave him out of it.” Obadiah said, his voice steady and clear like he was giving a business presentation. Maria wasn’t hungry. The thought of eating made her feel sick. She squeezed her eyes shut and breathed through her nose.

  
“Did you explain to him that the company was doing good? That it would… it would secure connections with my family? I can take care of the child, he doesn’t need to worry.” Maria said quickly, putting the food down and leaning in close to Obadiah as if she could convince him then Howard would be won over. “Perhaps I should talk to him. If he sees me, maybe he would understand.”

  
Obadiah shook his head, shutting his eyes and sighing. He leaned towards her, setting a hand on her knee. “He doesn’t want a baby and he doesn’t want to get married to you. He told me it wasn’t worth it. He wants to focus on the company and he refuses to let this fling change his plans for the future. I’m so sorry Maria.”

  
She was going to be sick. She stood up, hand over her mouth, and darted to the bathroom. She had been to Obadiah’s apartment many times, dinner parties or simply friendly meetings, and she knew which way to go. It wasn’t fair.

  
The atmosphere in the bathroom changed. It felt heavier in here, the air laying on top of her and dragging her don as she heaved into the toilet. She stayed on her knees, gasping to breathe, once she was done. She really was along. Just her and the little thing inside of her with no one else seeming to be on her side. Maria didn’t know what to do. She had no money, no job. She would have to quit school and find a place to live. Her parents weren’t going to help her. Howard wanted nothing to do with them.

  
“Obie?” Maria whispered softly as she came out of the bathroom. He was still on the couch, taking a bite of food. He looked up at her.

  
“Don’t worry, Maria. I promised this would all be fine. You can stay here for a little while until you figure out what you’ll do. As long as you need.” He said. He gestured to the seat next to him and held out her untouched carton of noodles.

  
“I don’t know how I’ll repay you.” She said, reaching out to take the food. He grinned, patting her shoulder.

  
“We’ll work on that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now a glimpse at the little family nineteen years alter. Maria has been raising her son with some difficulties, but some things are out of her control. She's doing her best. A lot of Tony's issues come from things outside her knowledge or control and I'll leave it at that.

Nineteen Years Later

Tony woke up with a headache. He had somehow gotten entirely wrapped up in the sheets of his bed, the fabric clinging to him like a damp, sweaty skin. He groaned, rolling onto his side to swipe at his alarm. He couldn’t do it. Not today. He could not rationalize getting out of bed this morning. It was his own fault, he shouldn’t have stayed up so late. He should take his job more seriously. He should get out of bed now, start a new day with a positive change. But no, not today. Today Tony peeled himself out of the sheets and rolled over onto the other side of the bed.

If his mama was here she would get him out of bed. She was too busy to keep babying him like that, and Tony felt a small burst of guilt at letting her down despite her rock bottom expectations. He would make it up to her, when he woke up in a few hours.

He was supposed to be at work at eight in the morning, it was half past eleven when he finally pulled himself out of bed. He hadn’t paid his phone bill and smiled smugly at the lack of messages he had. He decided he had time for a shower. Then he rationalized that he could grab a cup of coffee. When he finally did make it to work, he got yelled at, which he deserved, but he tuned most of it out until it was just dull background noise.

Tony worked in a bodega, his job was to pass out cigarettes to anyone who wanted to trade five bucks for them. His boss liked to yell but didn’t have the backbone to actually fire him. Tony felt kind of bad for the guy, he deserved better employees. Tony drank his coffee and leaned against the counter.

“Are you so mad that I gotta pay for my own sandwich today?” Tony called out. He heard a laugh in the back and Tony knew things were okay. “Come on, Mr. Delmar, you know you won’t let me starve.”

“I’ll send a sandwich home for your mama, with you as her boy she needs the nutrition.” Mr. Delmar called out. Tony grumbled and waved him away.

It was the middle of the day so most of the customers were just people wanting to buy snacks or cigarettes, but after a few hours the high school got out and kids started filing in for sodas and snacks. It was Tuesdays, the schools decathlon team got out an hour and a half alter. Only Parker ever showed up then. He wanted a sandwich, Tony didn’t do the deli work. Tony didn’t understand the complexities of how Peter liked his sandwich, Tony just liked talking to the kid.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Tony said as soon as Peter walked through the door.

“School got out an hour ago Mr. Carbonell.” Peter said.

“Wrong, it got out over an hour ago. What are they teaching you in that fancy science school? Not how to tell time clearly.” Tony said. He called out to Mr. Delmar that Peter was here for the usual and leaned back over the counter.

“So, Mr. Carbonell.” Peter said, reaching up to hold onto the straps of his backpack.

“Tony…” He said.

“Yeah, Mr. Tony. Did you hear back about that mechanic job you had your eye on? I bet you would be amazing.” Peter said.

Tony had been hoping the conversation would be about their upcoming trip to DC for the competition, or that tiny projectile Peter working on that shoot goo. For almost the third time today, he felt guilty. It was stupid, he shouldn’t feel like he let down some random regular in the store. He didn’t even really know the kid.

“I was too busy so I ended up not applying. Which was fine because it wouldn’t have been good fit for me anyway.” Tony said. He glanced back at the deli, where Mr. Delmar made eye contact before looking away with a shake of his head.

“Oh, that sucks Mr. Tony. Maybe the next one would be perfect for you. What were you too busy with?” Peter asked. Tony’s heart skipped at the question and his smile grew stiff. Peter didn’t seem to notice. “Anything cool?”

Drinking.

Tony had been too busy with a bottle to even care about it. His mama had been upset when she heard the position was filled before he actually went down there to ask for an application. There it was again, the heavy feeling of guilt.

“Nothing important.” Tony said. He shrugged and turned away, pretending to wipe off the counter behind him.

Mr. Delmar came to save him, calling out to Peter to get his sandwich, asked him to say hello to his aunt, and then Peter was out the door. He waved Tony goodbye and the air got a bit clearer and easier to breathe.

“You’re still a teenager yourself, you think you wouldn’t be an idiot when talking to other kids.” Mr. Delmar said.

~~~

Tony got home late, way later than he intended but since he slept in so late he decided to at least stay to close up. He wasn’t that much of a shit employee to just run out when he was still needed. Tony owed Mr. Delmar a lot. He had been given too many chances and yet the man keeps giving him more.

He got back to the apartment, wiggled the key in the lock until it finally clicked open, and stepped inside. His mama was fast asleep, curled up on the couch and still in her uniform. She had an empty beer on the floor next to the couch, her socks on the coffee table, and Tony took the blanket that was flung over the back of the recliner and draped it over her.

It wasn’t that late, a little after seven, and she wasn’t that deep asleep. She gripped the blanket tighter and rolled over. She kept humming and groaning as Tony unwrapped the two sandwiches he brought from work and opened the fridge to get himself a beer as well. His mama finally lifted her head to say something.

“Get me one too?” She said. Her voice was rough, she must have passed out as soon as she got home.

Once they both had a fresh beer and a sandwich in front of them did it start to feel like a break. Tony was starving. He slept through breakfast and although he had remembered his coffee that didn’t mean he remembered lunch. He inhaled half of his sandwich, downed his beer, and then ate the other half. Mama was on the first few bites still.

“Were you late again this morning?” She asked as Tony opened the fridge for another drink.

“Yes.” He said, pausing for a breath before he kept drinking. He was playing catch up at this point.

“Okay. Why?” She asked.

“I slept in.” Tony said.

With his third beer he decided to sit own and drink it slow. His mama hummed around a mouth full of food and shook her head at him. Sometimes he wondered about her, he had taught him all these fancy table manners when he was younger but then an hour later they would be eating microwaved pizza lunchables around the coffee table and watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. Or right now when she was trying to scold him with a mouth full of turkey and cheese.

“And what was the reason for sleeping in this time?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

Tony shrugged. “No good reason. I was just tired.”

“Oh?” She said, in that curious but concerned, high pitched tone she always had. “Have you been taking your meds?”

She asked that almost every day, with every problem he seemed to have. If he slept in, she would ask. If he skipped a shower for a few days in a row, she would ask. If he forgot to eat or was drinking more than usual, then she would ask. She was constantly worried about him after last time he stopped taking them without telling anyone. She didn’t trust him to remember or care enough to take them. For good reason though, because he had sold them all.

“Yeah, I’ve been taking them.” Tony lied. “It’s just a normal tired.”

“Right, a normal tired… Well, when is your next appointment? I could go with you, let them know you’ve been having trouble getting moving in the morning.” She said. She had put down her half eaten sandwich and leaned in closer to him, eyes scanning him.

Tony shook his head. “That’s not necessary. I’m technically an adult now, I’m allowed to go to my own doctor.” He said. Honestly, he didn’t have another one scheduled. He missed the last one and his phone was shut off so he couldn’t call and reschedule.

“Are you sure, sunshine?” She asked, reaching out and cupping his face with her hand. They were soft, always so soft and delicate and Tony leaned into her touch.

“Yes, mama. Everything is fine.”

~~~

Tony didn’t bother locking the door of his room. He didn’t need to, the one bathroom had a door leading into his room and another leading to the living room. His mama always had a way in and he didn’t want to lock her out. She never came in here anyway unless he was asleep and needed to get up and she stopped doing that a while ago. She let Tony have his privacy and expected him to get himself out of bed in the morning. He failed her.

Tony wouldn’t say he had a bottle hidden under his bed. He would tell himself it was just there for easy reaching and easy drinking. It didn’t make it sound any better but Tony preferred that to hiding his booze. It was almost empty anyway, so Tony decided to just drink out of the bottle instead of pouring a shot.

It made it all easier. His mama didn’t say anything about his drinking anymore, he hated it. He drank, hating the fact that he was ruining her dream of sending him to college. The bottle was heavy in his hand as he tilted it back and drank, wondering what he would tell her when he finally pushed too far and lost his job at the bodega. It was a pity job anyway. Mr. Delmar gave it to him because he felt bad for his mama, likely for having such a shit son. He finished the bottle and put it aside, pulling his money out of his sock drawer and double counting the cash from his paycheck and from selling his pills and deciding that there was enough for the bills and for him to go get another bottle tonight.

He creeped out of the room, feet creaking against the wood floors. His mama was asleep, curled up on her corner of the couch in a blanket nest. It wasn’t fair, but despite his arguments she had insisted that he takes the one bedroom in their apartment. He made sure ever inch of her was warm an covered before slipping out the door. He took the stairs sow, cautious of his slightly tilting vision.

He made it down the stairs alright. Perhaps there was more in that bottle than he originally thought, or he should have eaten more than just the one sandwich from work. He felt like he was going to be sick and those white spots were dancing over his vision. He took it slow, breathed as even as he could, until he got to the market. He went to the back to look over the selection. There was a sale today. Tony wondered if he should grab two bottles instead of just the one. But as he reached out for the second bottle his stomach did a flip and he wrinkled his nose. He was starving.

One bottle was enough, he could get snacks instead. Or he could make toast when he got home. They sold bread here. Toast would help soothe his stomach so he wouldn’t throw up. They sold a lot of things here. Tony’s eyes lingered on the items in the fridge, a large carton of eggs. He could make breakfast in the morning. Mama would like that. She usually skipped breakfast like he did, but in the morning he could force himself out of bed at a reasonable hour and make her breakfast and she would be happy. She would be so happy. Then it would all be worth it, all the bullshit, because she would be happy and maybe not regret it all so much. He would promise to do better and then just break her heart more when he eventually failed.

He bought the food and the bottle anyway, because at least his mama could have breakfast in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Every morning Tony was surprised by how hard it was to get out of bed. He hadn’t struggled this much in grade school, he had always been ready to jump out of bed and head off after his mama gave him a kiss on the forehead. High school was a bit harder.

He struggled a bit more. He struggled with everything but his grades, likely would have graduated early if he hadn’t gotten kicked out. But now that he was technically a legal adult and technically he had responsibilities, he just couldn’t do it.

  
It was ten o’clock on a Wednesday, which meant his mama had to leave in half an hour. He was a failure of a son. He stared at the clock and each time he told himself to get up and make breakfast, do one simple nice thing for her, it disappeared into the deep dark void of his head where all his motivation went. He heard her moving around and then smelled coffee drifting into his room. He had to at least do something for her.

  
He got out of bed fifteen minutes later, his body feeling so heavy it was dragging him down and he wondered if he was melting and sinking to the floor. He stepped out of his room and saw his mama drinking coffee. She looked tired.

  
“You know it’s cheaper to buy eggs at the actual grocery store instead of the little shop down the street.” Mama said. She turned and smiled at him as he came in. “You look tired. Maybe you should take a sick day. I can call Obadiah and let him know I’ll be late. I can take you to the doctor.”

  
“That’s not necessary.” Tony said. He leaned in and let her pat his cheeks and examine his face. When she frowned and pulled him close he went willingly into the hug. She was small, and Tony wasn’t that much taller than her, but he always felt safe when she hugged him.

  
“It is necessary. I’ll make the call right now.” She said and Tony kept shaking his head. “Hush. This is important. You’re getting sick, I can see it. Maybe you need new meds, have you felt like they’ve been helping at all?”

  
She worried too much. Tony hated it because all she ever did was worry about him and he never did anything to help ease it for her. She would probably worry a lot less if he actually took his pills. Tony was just so tired. He leaned against her, bending down to hide his face on her shoulder as she patted his back with her hands.

  
“You don’t have to. Rent’s coming up, we shouldn’t really be missing work. I’m fine. Mr. Delmar really doesn’t mind. I just… I bought eggs because I wanted to make you breakfast and I slept in. I’m sorry.” Tony said. He pulled away from her with a soft smile and went to pour himself a cup of coffee. They were out of milk. Tony added as much sugar as he could and drank it anyway.

  
“Tony… what’s going on?” She asked. She reached out and held onto his arm so he couldn’t pull away more.

  
“Nothing. Really. I’m just late for work.” Tony said.

  
His mama narrowed his eyes at him, staring him down. She knew he was lying. She deflated a bit with a soft sigh and patted his arm. Her purse was on the couch, her keys hanging from the hook, and Tony reminded her so she wouldn’t forget to grab them on the way out.

  
“I could always ask Obadiah for the day, get you into a doctor. It would be no trouble at all. You don’t have to handle everything by yourself.” She said, taking her time to gather her things.

  
“I’m fine, mama.” Tony said.

  
“No, you’re not.” She said. Instead of going for her keys, she pulled her phone out of her purse and started typing fast. Tony took a step towards her, but she raised a finger at him and Tony’s feel froze on the spot. She kept typing and Tony’s heart sank.

  
Now wasn’t the time. He needed to get to work and his mama didn’t need to owe Stane anymore favors. They had so much they needed to get done and Tony didn’t need a doctor. He didn’t. He might as well go to work for the rest of the day and completely ignore this. He went to his room, shutting he door a bit harder than necessary. Tony hoped that once he came back out his mama would have left for work. No such luck. She was waiting for him, her purse on her lap and her keys in hand.

  
“Mr. Delmar says you can take the day and that he hopes you get better soon.” His mama said, smiling to herself.

  
“I don’t know about you, but after that coffee I’m feeling great. New lust for life. So much energy. I don’t know what you’re worrying about. How do I know that you don’t need a doctor? You have been looking a bit fatigued lately. Maybe you should treat yourself to a girls day. Call Ronda from down the hall, go get your nails done.” Tony said quickly. For some reason, his hear was pounding. He was terrified of just the simple suggestion of going to the doctor.

  
“That’s sweet of you, but we’re going to the doctor.” She said.

  
His mama had a car. A dinky little thing she had saved up for and had for years. Tony’s carseat used to sit in the back. He learned to drive in it. It was a sturdy car, had only broken down on them about five times in the past two years but it always got fixed up again. Mama never explained where she got the money for repairs. Tony didn’t ask.

  
The car was always a place of comfort, but it didn’t do much as she drove him a few blocks over to McDonalds where they both got large iced mochas and a twenty piece chicken nugget for breakfast. Tony liked honey mustard with his nuggets, his mama got ranch. They sat in the car and ate until it was finally time for his actual appointment.

  
“How did you get him to see me on such short notice?” Tony asked. The building was one of those dull grey concrete things that disappeared when no one was looking at it. Everything about it felt generic. It was one of the few places that took their insurance and gave semi-competent health care and Tony secretly liked this place. He hated being at the doctor, but the receptionists had all watched him grow up coming here and they gave him superman stickers every time he came in.

  
His mama just shrugged instead of answering and Tony guessed that since he had been a regular patient here since his mama was pregnant nineteen years ago that just made him priority. He got special treatment. It was oddly reassuring and disturbing at the same time.

  
They ended up waiting nearly twenty minutes passed their scheduled appointment before they were actually called back. Since Tony was eighteen now he had to see a regular doctor instead of a pediatrician. They let his mom come back with him though. They weighed him, which showed he had lost weight since his last appointment. His temperature and blood pressure was normal. He was given a questionnaire and then they were left sitting in the exam room, waiting again.

  
“Alright, let’s get it started.” His mama said, taking the paperwork from him and already filling it out. She started with the questions about family medical history and then went down to personal habits. “Do you smoke?”

  
Tony rolled his eyes. “No.”

  
“Good. Would you call yourself a heavy drinking?” She asked.

  
“Well, I wouldn’t call myself that.” Tony said.

“And you would be lying.” She said as she circled the yes. “Sexually active?”

  
“I refuse to answer that.”

  
“It’s fine. You can be honest, we’re both adults here. It’s important for the medical records. There’s no judgement here, you can be open.” She said, giving him such a calm and relaxed smile that almost made Tony not want to throw up.

  
“I’m not having this conversation with you.” Tony said. He thought he might really throw up. His stomach felt like it was knots.

  
“It doesn’t even have to be actual intercourse. Just like… petting?” She said.

Tony flinched at the wording, physically leaning away from her and groaning loudly.

“Just stop. I talk about this with you. I don’t want to bring it up. Not to be dramatic but I would literally rather stick my arm in a garbage disposal while joining the flat earth society, that’s how much I never want to talk about this again.” He said fast and quick and his heart was pounding and his stomach felt like it was doing flips. Maybe he really was sick.

  
His mama narrowed her eyes a bit as she watched him, wrinkling her nose, deep in thought. Tony looked away from her and just stared straight ahead. He didn’t know what she put down for it and he didn’t care. He crossed his arms, his hands were shaking and he decided to hide them by tucking them under his arms and he hoped it appeared natural. He glanced up at the clock. Where was the doctor? What was the point of a scheduled appointment time if the doctor wasn’t even going to show up for it.

  
“Any illegal drugs, Tony?” She asked.

  
“Fuck, mama. No! I’m fine. This was a mistake. It wasn’t needed and I don’t want your help.”

  
He was shouting at her. Tony never shouted at his mom. Not since he was six years old and he yelled at her for not letting him have the cool robot he saw at Walmart for his birthday. She had cried. He was too young to know all the complex financial problems that meant he couldn’t have a sixty dollar toy for his birthday, but he did understand that his mom was apologizing and crying in the store and his mama was never supposed to cry. He didn’t yell at her anymore.

  
For a moment he was terrified that he had hurt her. None of the words have been praticularly insultin or cutting, but he ha actually yelled at her. There really was something wrong with him. He sat back in his seat, shoulders slumped forward and he almost wanted to completely curl in on himself.

  
“I’m sorry.” He said. His mama wasn’t crying, but Tony felt like he might “I don’t know what’s going on. I feel fine most of the time, honest.”

  
“Just fine?” She asked.

  
Tony shrugged. “What do you want me to say? That I’m happy? I don’t know mama, I just feel tired. I’m sorry I yelled. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t need help, okay?”

  
“Tony, sunshine, you’re sleeping until noon most days. You eat maybe once a day. I know you’re not taking your medications, I find the pill bottles empty a few days after you get them refilled. You’re drinking. You’re eighteen years old and you scare the shit out of me with your drinking.”

  
“I don’t drink that much.”

  
“Stop lying to me!” She hissed, just as the door opened and the doctor walked in.

  
His mama blushed when she felt nervous. Tony wrinkled his nose as she ducked her head in embarrassment and held the clipboard with the questionnaire a bit tighter. Then she looked up again and gave Tony a firm look and turned towards the doctor. She was going to rat him out. She was going to tell everything to this guy and he was going to recommend more meds that his mama was going to try and convince him to take in hopes it would make him feel better.

  
“Let’s go home, mama. I’ll… We can talk.” Tony said. He leaned back in his chair, tilting away from her. He looked at the clock, at the posters, at anything other than the two other people in the room.

  
“You’ll tell me what’s going on?” She asked.

  
Tony shrugged. “Yes. Maybe.” He said slowly. She hummed and Tony just shrugged again, he honestly had no idea where that conversation with her might lead. “I can certainly try but I hold on to my right to remain silent, if needed be.”

  
“Excuse me.” The doctor began to say something but it was quickly blown over by his mother, talking to him with fast, firm words.

  
“You’re not a criminal on trial, you’re my son and sometimes I have the right to step in when you’re in trouble.” She said. “Are you on drugs or something?”

  
“Am I being interrogated right now? You say I’m not on trial and then ask the dumbest and most ridiculous and invasive questions. No, don’t worry I’m not that much of a mistake.” Tony said. He glared at the doctor and back at his mama. “Let’s go home.”

  
“You can’t keep saying things like that and expect me to believe everything is okay with you.” She said as she reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing so tight it almost hurt.

  
“Let’s just go home please. I’ll try to talk but I just want to go home.” Tony’s eyes dropped to his mom’s chin. For some reason he couldn’t pull himself together enough to hold eye contact. He was tired. He was always just so tired.

  
“Good. We have all day and I intend to get to the bottom of this. Now apologize to the nice doctor for making him take the time to see us and we can go home and talk like I wanted to do to begin with.” His mama said, setting down the clipboard and gathering up her purse.

  
Tony stood up and apologized. He was relieved, the air got a little bit easier to breathe. He didn’t think there was anything the doctor could do to help him anyway, but he didn’t know what talking about things with his mama would do anyway. He wasn’t even completely sure what was wrong with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long delay. I've been struggling with my meds for a bit. I'm doing okay

Tony was in a panic the whole drive home. He didn’t know what to tell her. He didn’t have a plan, he just wanted to get out of the doctor’s office. He didn’t have any intention of telling her.

Not about that. Some things Tony was hoping to never talk about, but he knew he had to give his mama something or she would take him right back there.

 

They got home and Tony sat down on the couch. His mama crossed her arms and waited, standing over him with a deadly firm look. Tony’s attention shifted to a cigarette burn on the coffee table, pressing the mark with his finger as he grasped for ideas.

 

“Would you like me to start?” His mama asked. Tony nodded, relieved to have borrowed some time. “I’m worried you’re going to kill yourself.”

 

“Whoa, what? Mom, I’m not-“

 

“I asked you not to lie to me, Tony. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t seriously considered it?” She asked. Almost in place of an answer Tony’s gaze drifted back down to the burn mark. “I’m always so scared every time you wake up late for work, I stall for as long as possible every morning, afraid of what I’ll find if I go in there to wake you up.”

 

It was painful to hear. Tony loved his mother. There was no one else in the world on his side except for her. She used to tell him that it was just the two of them versus the whole world, so they had to take care of one another. Tony knew there wasn’t that much more terrifying than finding your child dead. Tony hated that she made her afraid like that.

 

“I want you to answer me honestly. I’ll know if you don’t and that would hurt more than any truth ever could.” She said.

 

Tony took a long, deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, the truth. I have thought about it, but if I was going to kill myself I wouldn’t do it where you would find me. Or where anyone would ever find me. Sometimes I want to disappear. I want the world to forget about me.”

 

With everything, his mama kept her face flat and held his hand gently. Tony still felt himself struggling through the words. She didn’t want to interrupt, Tony knew if he stopped he might never start talking again. There were so few things he still had the strength to say anymore.

 

“It’s just so hard mama. I can’t do anything anymore. Sometimes I think the world would be just fine without me. Even better. You would have been better off. I haven’t done a thing good in life.” Tony said. He wasn’t crying. He didn’t really feel much of anything.

 

“Have you been taking your meds?” Mama asked.

 

Tony wrinkled his nose and shook his head shamefully. “I’ve been selling most of them. Some of them aren’t worth much but someone is always willing to pay something. I couldn’t afford both the bills and liquor, not when I can hardly make it to work in the first place.”

 

His mama sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head. “You’ve been drinking instead of getting your meds…” She said softly.

 

“I’m sorry… I keep messing up.”

 

His mama reached out, taking his face in her hands and pressing their foreheads together. “Tony, sweetheart, I love you so much. God, I love you. You are my baby, the best thing in my world, and I will always be here to help you. You’re struggling baby. You need some extra help.”

 

Tony felt his stomach clench the way it did when he felt sick, when he itched for a bottle more than usual. It was a deep seated anxiety that made him want to peel back his skin.

 

“I’m fine. I don’t need anything.” Tony whispered softly. He closed his eyes and breathed for a moment. “I just need to rest for a bit. I’m just tired. I won’t cause problems anymore.”

 

“No. You are not causing problems. You’re an alcoholic, you need help.” She said, she kept talking even after Tony shook his head and tried to argue. She kept talking over him. “We can get you into some programs. Some therapy. I’ll make sure you get the support you need.”

 

“I’m fine. I’m not an alcoholic, I swear. I don’t need help. We can’t afford stuff like that. I’m fine, I promise.”

 

“Don’t worry about what we can afford. I can call in a favor. You know, some of this would be for my peace of mind as well.” She said. His mama had pulled away, taking out her phone. Tony knew who she was texting and his hand darted out to grab her phone.

 

“No, don’t ask him for help. Pleased don’t ask him. I’ll be fine. I’ll stop selling my meds. Just don’t ask him for help.” Tony said. His mama yanked her arm out of Tony’s hold.

 

“I’m not standing by anymore. I tried letting you handle things but you need more help. You need more than I can offer by myself. You need resources I can’t offer by myself.” She said.

 

“I don’t like when you ask him though. It’s not worth it. I’m not an idiot, I know what he asks for return.” Tony hissed. He as shaking. His hands trembled and he tugged at the hem of his shirt to try and keep them occupied. Tony jumped to his feet, pacing the length of their tiny living room.

 

Not him. Not him. Tony hated when they owed that man anything, he hated when his mama agreed to whatever he asked for just for Tony’s sake. He hated how Obie looked at the two of them. He hated how is hands lingered on Tony’s shoulder and his mama’s hip. Tony wasn’t an idiot. He saw it. He had felt it. His mama was on the phone and Tony had to sit down. It was hard to breathe. Not him. Tony wanted to hug his mama and beg. He would rather drink himself to death than have his mama ask that man for help.

 

“We’re having dinner at Obie’s to discuss your options.” She said.

 

Tony sighed, his body being pressed down by gravity, wanting to curl in on itself, wanting to be crushed as small as possible until he disappeared. He didn’t cry. He just felt how heavy everything was, even the air. It was that heavy feeling that made it hard to move.

 

“I’m sorry Tony. I know you don’t like him, but he has helped us a lot over the years. More than you know.” She said. She walked into the kitchen. Tony wondered if she needed drink as much as he did.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your comments and support

Maria was alone in the hospital. She had expected it. Her parents hadn’t spoken to her since she told them she was going to keep her baby. Her friends had fallen out of contact, Obie was so busy, and Howard wasn’t here. Maria had hoped he would have a last minute change of heart. He would come bursting through the door at any moment to apologize, confess his love for her, be a father to their baby. She eyed the door. No one came except for nurses to check on her.

She had her hand on her stomach, the nurse smiled and told her it was almost ready, and Maria forced herself to smile back. Her baby was early by a few weeks, but they were ready to be out in the world. She didn’t know what the were so eager to get out for, they had no place to live, no money, no food. Knowing she had nothing to give her child was one of the worst feelings in the world, Maria smiled at the nurses anyway.

“Do you know what you’re having?” She asked. The nurse was young, her smile seemed genuine, and if not for the badge she wore on her scrubs Maria may have asked if she had actually finished nursing school yet.

“I want it to be a surprise. It’s not important, not really, but I want to have the full experience of meeting them for the first time.” Maria said.

“That’s so sweet. Is this your first child?” She asked.

Maria hummed softly as she nodded.

“Well, congratulations. You and your husband must be so excited.” The nurse said, putting the clipboard away and giving a final goodbye before leaving to tend to other patients.

Maria’s hand stayed on her stomach. She could feel her baby inside of her, where they were safe and warm. She wanted to keep them there for a while longer. For as long as possible. She could waddle around fat and sore for the rest of her life as long as her baby was warm and safe from the world.

The next nurse came before long, declaring that Maria was fully dilated and ready to give birth. It wasn’t how she had imagined it, surrounded by strangers, alone. Everyone spoke soothing words to her. Everyone was calm. Her heart was pounding. She wanted to ask if they could delay it, give her some medication to keep the baby inside.

If she had more time then perhaps she could call her parents, convince them to help her, to meet their grandchild, to at least be with her in this place. Or she could try to call Howard, beg Obie or Howard’s secretary or anyone to put her through to him. He had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her, but this was their baby. She didn’t feel strong enough to do it alone.

She pushed and screamed and a nurse held her hand. It all felt like too much. It was killing her, killing both of them. She couldn’t do this. She changed her mind. She couldn’t be a mother, she had nothing.

The relief hit her so hard she fell back against the bed, gasping for air and eyes looking blearily around at the strangers around her, all of them wearing masks to cover their faces. She wanted to ask them if it had happened, if it was done, if it was real.

“It’s a boy.” A woman said.

The baby was draped across her chest, a very warm, very tiny weight screaming against her. Maria saw bright pink skin and short, fuzzy dark hair. A squished down nose and tiny fists. Her boy. Suddenly she wasn’t alone anymore. She had this tiny creature attached to her and all of the strangers disappeared into the background.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Maria whispered. She almost didn’t want to touch him. He was so delicate. What if she did everything wrong and hurt him?

Anthony was Howard’s middle name. Maria thought it fit her baby perfectly. A little piece of his father, some connection there that can’t be severed like everything else had been. Tony. She didn’t get to hold him for long. The doctors had to look him over and she had to be tended to. She couldn’t stop smiling, ear to ear grins this time.

“Did you see how beautiful he was?” She said to the nurses, who all nodded an agreed with her. “He’s so tiny! He has to be the smallest baby in the world.”

She almost felt high, she felt excited and happy and she kept asking when they were going to bring her baby to her. She was taken back to her hospital room and waited. The loneliness was easier this time. Even though Tony was with the doctors, he was still hers. She had someone.

While she waited she began making plans. Obadiah promised her steady work. Being a maid wasn’t her preferred choice, but Maria was a single mother now with no previous work experience. She would clean whatever Obie asked her to as long as she had money for her baby. Obie said he could help her get together a deposit for an apartment. He promised to help her. She owed him so much, but none of that matted because she would do whatever she had to for her baby.

“Miss Carbonell?” The doctor tapped on the door as he walked in. Maria perked up when a nurse came in right behind him, wheeling one of those plain hospital bassinets into the room. The nurse picked up the swaddled bundle and brought him over to her. “He is a few weeks early, but you were far along enough for him to be mostly developed. We did detect a slight heart murmur, but we believe it will even out on its own. We have sensors on his chest to monitor him overnight so just please don’t remove those.”

Maria listened, but she could only look at Tony. He was fast asleep. Maria didn’t know how, she didn’t want to close her eyes now that he was here, but he showed no signs of waking up. Being born must have taken a lot of energy out of him. She was surprised she wasn’t feeling more exhausted herself. She had done all the work.

They left her with her baby. Tony did wake up to cry and the nurse came back to talk her through breastfeeding. Once he had eaten his fill he fell back to sleep. All this baby did was sleep. All Maria could do was look down at him in her arms. He looked like Howard. She realized this and she was filled with so much anger. How could he turn his back on this little boy? How could Howard not adore him? How could her parents not want to see him and dote on him and love him?

“Motherhood suits you.”

Maria was snapped out of her thoughts and she smiled warmly at Obie. He brought flowers and a teddy bear, standing in the doorway wearing a business suit. Maria hoped Howard would walk in behind him. He didn’t. It was only Obie, strolling in and putting the flowers and bear on the table near his bed.

“You look absolutely radiant.” He said again before his eyes drifted down to Tony. Maria held the baby a bit tighter.

“He’s perfect, don’t you think?” Maria said. He was underweight and his heart didn’t beat right, but he was perfect. “Did Howard mention anything when you told him I was here?”

Obie sighed. “I told him that if he didn’t show up today he may regret it for the rest of his life. He said he already regrets the child.” Obie said calmly.

It was cruel, but it made her hate Howard more. Tony deserved better. Her child deserved the world.

“I can start work immediately. They want to keep Tony here for a few days to monitor his heart but as soon as we are discharged I can start again.” Maria said firmly.

Obadiah sighed again. “Do you have a babysitter? Daycare?” He asked.

Maria wrinkled her nose. “No. God no, daycare is too expensive.” She had already looked into it. She had no friends, no family, no money, and that meant no one to help watch Tony. “I was hoping, since you have been so kind to let me have a room at your place until I get my own apartment, that I could just bring him with me as I work.”

“Maria, my home is not a preschool and my maid is not a babysitter.” He said.

“No, but she is a mother. I need your help.”

“If you will work for me then I need you to focus on work.” He said.

Maria was desperate. Six months since she had moved in, six months of her living off of Obie’s kindness, his looks, his touches. “I was hoping you could make an exception.”

Obie leaned in a bit, hands on his hips and standing tall. “I have made so many exceptions for you already.”

“Just one more then. I know you’re getting frustrated with me always needing you, but I will pay you back. I just have to take care of him, I’m all he has and I would do anything to make sure he’s okay.” Maria said. She kept her eyes on Tony as she said it.

She had lived with Obie ever since everyone else turned their back on her and after a few weeks he could tell his gaze always lingered on her. He sometimes put a hand on her thigh or leaned in a bit too close. The way he hummed when she caught him looking at her. She knew what she was agreeing to, what she promised herself she had the strength for. It would be repayment for everything, even the job.

Obadiah eventually left, the nurses stopped in every once in a while, but the next time Tony woke up she was able to breastfeed him without guidance. Tony knew what to do. His little and rested on his face and his eyes were half closed. He was amazing.

“It’s just you and me now. Together. We aren’t alone anymore. We are a team okay, you gotta trust that I will take care of you. It’s you and me against the whole world, baby. Against everything. I promise you, I will never let this world tear you apart. I will never turn away from you. Just trust me okay.” Maria whispered. She knew Tony was too young to understand, but the words were mostly for herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Maria driven chapter. A flashback of sorts. A lot had happened from her finding out she was pregnant to actually giving birth, but her story is just as important. It tells a lot about her. Back to main story next.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and tell me what you think of the start. Or about anything. Please.


End file.
